Some Of My Best Friends

I've been thinking about the whole Rick Warren controversy a lot in the last few days.

I'm angry. I'm surprised. And I'm hurt.

I'm angry at Barack Obama. I get that he's a politician, and never in the campaign did he really advocate for the LGBT community. His description of himself as a "fierce advocate" for gay & lesbian equality is mind blowing, though. One is not a "fierce advocate" for equality while not backing equal rights - as is the case with Mr. Obama and marriage equality.

I'm surprised that his staff and campaign are so tone deaf as to think that a leading evangelical from California who fought to take away our right to marry and compared our relationships to incest and pedophilia should be given such a leading role at his inauguration. And to say it's okay because they also invited a gay band is just insulting.

But what gets me the most has been the reaction of some of my straight friends. With the wonderful world of Facebook, I am able to keep up with my friends, what they're doing, and - with their updates ("Maine Gay is...") - know what they're thinking.

So when a good friend of mine posted "xxx is sad that the gay community is whining about Rick Warren. They have to accept that there are people with different views on social issues.", I was speechless - and hurt.

And he hasn't been the only one. I've heard variances of "America isn't ready for gay marriage" to "it's just a prayer" to "he has to be open on social issues" from a number of straight people.

And that lead me to this conclusion. Some of my best friends don't see me as equal to them.

I've actually, deep down, always kind of known this. I have sensed, whether when dating someone or when I was in a long term relationship, that it's seen by some of my friends as "cute". But not really a relationship. Not like theirs.

But, with this issue, it really just hit me in the face that, as Red so eloquently said in a comment on his previous post, to many people gay is something we do, not who we are.

I have many thoughts and feeling going through me with this realization, some of which I won't say because I know I don't mean them. But in short:

We are not a "social issue" or a "viewpoint". We are fully equal human beings, and we expect and deserve to be treated with the respect and dignity that entails.

We are not a "cause". Please don't use us as a way to make yourself feel good about how progressive you are. In the end, its just demeaning to everyone involved.

We are tired of being used. "Progressive" politicians take our money, our time, our expertise, and our votes, but there is little consequence when they turn away after the election. Meanwhile we are repeatedly told that its for "the greater good". And I get that to some extent, in the big picture way. But I've got to tell you, when I got an appeal for more money from Obama this week, it infuriated me. You know what? Go raise it at Saddleback Church. I'm done for a while.

Let me be clear - I'm not "re-evaluating my friendships" with my straight friends. I am, though, seeing some of them in a new light.

By talking about it, though, I'm hoping to work through it. And maybe - just maybe - get some of them to take a look at how they really view me and my community.

And in the end, that might just lead us all to a better place.